I enjoy writing. To me, it’s more than just a subject we learn in school, or a way to tell stories, to inform, or to communicate in general. More than anything, it’s a way for me to unpack my thoughts, many of which I tend to give too much credence to. Without spilling my mind out onto paper (or computer screen, I suppose), I easily fall into the trap of ruminating over these thoughts, which are often irrational, unproductive, and self-defeating. Through writing, I’m able to gain a clearer perspective of my world, recognize truth, and discover the answers to each personal conflict from within. In other words, writing is the mechanism through which I learn and grow.
My name is Grant Peak, and… well, okay. That’s not my real name, just a pseudonym I’ve chosen for now. My real name may come out later, and it probably wouldn’t be hard to find out my true identity before then, if you’re really that curious. For now though, I’d rather write with a bit of anonymity, which affords me the freedom to share my thoughts and opinions without the repercussions (i.e. pissing off a friend, losing my job, etc.). Plus, a bit of mystery is always more fun.
Anyways, I’m a male millennial in his late 20’s, living the big city life in my favorite city, Chicago. I love this city for a multitude of reasons: my family is close by (I grew up in the suburbs), the summers are amazing, the food is unbeatable, the sports are the best (Cubs fan till I die), and so on. More than anything, however, I love Chicago because I truly believe it gives you the opportunity to do anything you want to do and be whoever it is you want to be. Over the years, I’ve come to find that there’s a place for everyone, and if you have a passion you want to pursue, it’s not very hard to find others that share your passion and will support you in your pursuit.
This environment is ideal for me since I possess passions across the board. One of which is my love for music, having played guitar for nearly 13 years. Chicago’s music scene is second to none, and which made it easy for me to find other like-minded musicians to jam with.
I’m also a bit of a fitness freak, constantly searching for the best ways to stay in shape. Between running along the lake shore (favorite summertime activity) and the wide variety of fitness centers sporting different workout routines, I’m able to stay in the best shape possible.
Social service is a staple pastime for my family, so volunteering my time to give back to the community is important to me. Chicago’s enormous social service network enabled me to find and support an organization that serves a cause close to my heart, enrichment and education for underprivileged youth.
Job-wise, I aspire to develop my quantitative skills (nerd alert) and build a career in data analytics. Thanks to the dozens of different universities located in the Chicagoland area, I’ve found a masters program that’s a perfect fit for both where I want to take my career and the analytical skills I need training in.
I won’t bore you with any more of my interests, though as I’m sure you can tell, they’re all over the place. The best part? I feel I can fulfill each of these passions to the best of my ability right here in Chicago. Granted, I haven’t lived anywhere else since I graduated college, so I can’t speak for everywhere, but I can’t think of too many other places where the opportunities to act on these interests are so abundant. This city allows me to become the best version of myself I possibly can be, or to reach my peak potential. Thus the name, Grant Peak (get it?).
The possibilities for me are endless, which is truly a blessing and something I will never take for granted. At the same time, however, with the endless opportunities available to me, I feel a strong sense of pressure. Pressure to not only take advantage of all the opportunities given to me, but also to excel in them.
For instance, not only do I want to play in a rock band, but I also want to be one of the greats. My nearly insatiable desire to “make it” in the music industry, just like other bands and artists my age (a la Chance the Rapper), obligates me to direct as much attention and effort to promoting my band as I possibly can, even if it’s more than I can handle.
The same goes for fitness, where I secretly aspire to be one of those shredded dudes on the cover of Men’s Fitness, even if it means overworking my body and exhausting my energy for everything else.
Or volunteering, where I try to devote a sizable amount of time to the organization I support, despite my already hectic schedule.
Or my career, for which I plan to attend part-time grad school pretty soon, though I have no idea how I’m gonna squeeze that into my schedule.
All of this while I do my best not to go completely broke; all of this why I try (hope) I one day find a special someone I can call my girlfriend, maybe more. All of this while I try to stay sane.
See, the toll this pressure takes on me is more than just physical (though don’t get me wrong, I can get pretty burnt out at times and spontaneously pass out on my couch). Just as taxing, if not more so, is the mental stress and emotional burden this pressure creates. When things go well, my effort seems rewarded and I feel elated, obviously. When things don’t go well, or I fall short of my goals, however, is when I start to over-analyze everything I do, question my path, and weather a dark cloud of disappointment. Sometimes I’m able to recuperate in a day or two and bounce back into my normal routine, having barely missed a step. Other times, such an episode can otherwise suck me into a deep self-defeating spiral, where I continuously set myself up for disappointment and shame myself for my flaws and failures. This pattern often induces a deep depression, requiring not only a mountain of support from friends and family, but also extensive treatment through therapy, even medication. I won’t hide it: there are even moments during these spells that I simply break down in panic and tears, as if my world is falling apart.
Now of course, I have a lot to be thankful for. Along with my wonderfully supportive family and friends, I have good health, a roof over my head, a solid education, a job with a steady income, and countless other blessings. Certainly, there are others in this world who are less fortunate, so while it may seem I have been playing victim up until this point, please know that I also realize how lucky I am too.
As for this pressure I speak of, I want you to also know that it’s not fair for me to assume the victim role there either. At the end of the day, there is no label hounding me for new music; no trainer yelling at me to lift more and eat less; no saint guilt-tripping me into volunteer; no professor breathing down my neck (yet). If you haven’t figured it out by now, this pressure is 100% internal. It is completely brought on by, and I have no one else to blame for it besides, myself.
So why am I sharing all of this with you? You’re probably asking yourself, “why should I care about this dude pouting over seemingly nothing?” Well, the answer is you shouldn’t. The truth of the matter is, everyone carries worries, fears, doubts, and issues he or she deals with on a daily basis. While mine may be markedly different from anyone else’s, they are no more legitimate. In fact, I discourage you from really concerning yourself with my set of problems; it’s important that you address your own in order to maximize your happiness and be the best version of yourself possible.
In short, everyone has shit to deal with. The thing is though, few ever talk about it. What I mean is, it seems that barely anyone opens up about his or her struggles with others (or seeks support from others). The prevailing thought is, unless you’re an A-list celebrity making millions and dominating the tabloids, no one cares about your problems, so don’t speak of them. Instead, thinking that doing so equates to weakness, one will bottle up these struggles and simply pretend they don’t exist, only for them to eat away at his or her ability to embrace the present moment and feel genuine happiness. This feels especially true among my demographic… ordinary young men trying to build extraordinary lives, all in a big city where it’s easy to feel lost in the crowd.
With this blog, I hope to accomplish two things. First, I want to show my peers (and anyone who experiences hardships in any way similar) that there is at least one other person out there who struggles to cope with the trials and tribulations of being a young adult. Whenever I feel down, I’ll often look at those around me and wonder “Why can’t I just live their simple lives? Why can’t I be that happy?” As mentioned, everyone has shit to deal with, and though some may flaunt their “perfect” lives for all to see (thanks, Instagram), don’t doubt for a second that they don’t also carry a lot of messiness (sometimes pain, even) behind-the-scenes.
And there is nothing wrong with that. I repeat: absolutely nothing. It’s okay not to be perfect; it’s okay not to be okay at times. It’s all part of life’s roller coaster.
Second, and more importantly, I want to demonstrate that it is also okay to talk about all of this. By opening up about my personal struggles, maybe it encourages you (or anyone) to be a bit more transparent about your own challenges. One thing I’ve learned over the years is this: there are more people (especially close family and friends) willing to listen than you can imagine, and many of them want to help you through whatever it is your dealing with. Sharing your story with others serves to not only address your issues and needs, but also encourage others to open up about their stories, who then encourage even more to do the same, and so on. This is the real reason why I am sharing my story with you.
So here we go. Join me on my roller coaster, or at least watch me freak the fuck out on the steep drops, cheer through the winds and turns (like an idiot), get stuck upside down on one of the loops, maybe more. Seriously though, my posts going forward are going to be glimpses into my life over my last few years in the city, a mix of those that bring me the most joy and cause the most sorrow. Somber yet uplifting. Discouraging yet triumphant.
Those two journals up at the top? One is full, the other half-full, with personal reflections that I’ve written down over the years (yes, you can call them diaries I suppose). In other words, I’ve got a lot to share, or enough that I’m confident that most readers can relate to at least something in my weird, chaotic world.
These posts will be written as honestly and transparently as possible, in attempt to share my whole story. Hopefully, it inspires someone else to do the same.